Thoughts

As a 21year old Christian college single, I am bombarded with all sorts of relationship advice. I am surrounded by friends who are seriously dating, engaged, or married. My best friend from high school is now married to another good friend and they recently bought their first home. In the last week alone, two new Facebook engagements have popped up on my feed. Chapel and college group messages are often about dating and/or marriage, or at least touch on the subject.

Let me be clear: I am NOT complaining. In fact, I love that I know so many people who are in such an exciting stage of life. I do not envy my dating/engaged/married friends, but instead rejoice with them. It's a fun time in life right now where I can hang out with couples but I still have lots of single friends as well. But there is a danger in this stage of life, and that danger is thinking.

In our thought lives, it is easy to be idealistic about marriage. Let's be honest, as girls we have been at least thinking about our weddings since junior high or earlier. We wonder what man will be at the end of the aisle we'll walk down. We pretty much know what we're looking for. Tall, dark, and handsome, with just a hint of nerdiness (read: loves argyle) and a deep baritone singing voice? Yes please. Or one of my favorite lists: holy, hot, and humble. We're going to have a perfect marriage, working through every problem easily and comfortably. We'll also have a perfectly decorated and neat home. We'll be the ideal Christian American dream parents, too. Life will be perfect once I'm married.

That's what we think, anyway. Fast forward ten or fifteen years when we're married to a man and the romance isn't alive as it once was. Your kids repeatedly bicker with one another and your house is a mess more often than not. Three years after you've found the "perfect" church, you find out it's not after a messy split. We have preconceived notions about what married life will be like, and sometimes they couldn't be further from the truth. Yes, it may be great 90% of the time, but there will still be really hard days. I catch myself thinking "If only I was __________, life would be easier."

Why is this mindset harmful? Because it sets you up for disappointment. It sets you up to believe that you chose the wrong home, church, spouse, or whatever. But that isn't true! Life will always be full of both good times and bad. Even if you always made the right decision, life would still have trials. We need to stop thinking wrongly about what the future holds in order to have a good attitude both now and then.

At the end of the semester, my Bible study group went to the home of Austin Duncan. His wife Merrily talked to us about the dangers of wrongful thinking. She gave practical advice on how to think correctly so that we do not set ourselves up for disappointment. One thing she said was that most discontentment comes from wrongful thinking. It's true if you think about it - when I find myself discontent in my singleness, it's because I'm imagining the perfect life with the perfect man and how I'll be fulfilled when that comes along. But the truth is, I don't need a man to be fulfilled - a Man already has made it possible for me to be fulfilled. That man is Jesus Christ, and because of Him, I am whole and complete. 

Another thing Merrily said was that we need to train ourselves to think rightly. Train yourself. Put some work into it. She said we must pay attention to our thoughts. This is where some super practical advice came in. You know the verse Philippians 4:8?

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Well, she said that she uses it as a sort of check list. Because sometimes as a woman married to a pastor whose ministry is pretty big and whose three young children keep her busy, she can be discontent if she allows certain thought to take form. So when she feels those thoughts arise, she thinks of the verse and asks herself, "Is what I'm thinking right now TRUE?" If the answer is no, then she stops there and makes herself instead think of what is true. If the answer is yes, she moves on to ask, "Is what I'm thinking right now HONORABLE?" and the list goes on. Only if it passes each little test with a yes does she allow thought to take form. If not, away it goes. She told us that our doctrine must determine our thinking, not the other way around. If our thoughts are not based on truths from the Bible, then they are wrong. Merrily admitted that there are even certain words she does not allow herself to think, such as "overwhelmed". If she allows herself to believe she's overwhelmed, then she'll become too stressed. But if her mind isn't even allowed to go there, she knows she can get through the tasks at hand. There are probably words that we all may use from time to time in our thoughts that aren't helpful. Friends, if a thought is hindering you rather than helping you, get rid of it! Replace your wrongful thoughts with ones that are based on what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, and worthy of praise. Don't let that verse become cliche. Let God use it to change you and mold you into the image of Christ.

This is something that the Lord has reminded me again and again that I must change. Contentment is hard! But if we don't learn it today, then it will only get harder and harder to fight for it. Ask God where you are thinking wrongly about things, and ask Him to help you change your thoughts and your attitude. You know He will help you if you only ask Him! The last tidbit of wisdom taken from Merrily is that we all have things that we consider to be more important than what God has given us right now. But we must remember that God knows what's best for us and His timing is impeccable. If I don't have something right now and I think I need it, then I am essentially thinking that it's more important than what God has already given me. This is the root of our discontentment. We must believe that God wants what's best for us and He'll give it to us at the right time. Until then though, we must take charge of our thoughts and only believe what is true.