Waiting (Again)

Okay, I'm going to be pretty honest here. I try to balance not airing all my dirty laundry with being honest about what I'm struggling through because I learn a lot through struggling. But this here is pretty personal. Lately, I've struggled massively with discontentment. I know that God has a plan for my life but I don't want to wait for His timing. I think (wrongly) that I really know better what I need than He does, and that I should get what I think I deserve when I want it. Trust me, I know what I truly deserve (hell) and I DON'T want that. But somehow I always think I deserve more than what I've been given and that God is unkind to withhold what I want from me. My journal is full of all that has been going through my mind lately, and it's not pretty - I am really struggling with being content. But I just allow myself to passively struggle rather than fight this sin.

But God is so good. He is so kind. He takes our struggles and helps us fight our sin. It's not something that we can't help. Yes, fighting sin is hard, but it is a battle and it is something we must be active about, not passive. I had a really good conversation with Courtney tonight and she shared a couple really good quotes with me and I was also reminded of one I found last summer. It's probably somewhere posted on my blog, but I think it is worth a rewrite, so here is one of the ones she shared and then the other is from my blog.

"One of God's most effective ways to grow our faith is to stretch it. We don't learn to trust God by reading a book or listening to a great sermon. We learn to trust God by living out a real-life adventure with God and discovering for ourselves that He is worthy." Glynnis Whitwer

"Faith endures the disappointment, the hardships, and the heartaches of life by recognizing that all comes from the hand of Him who is too wise to err and too loving to be unkind. So long as we are occupied with any other object than God Himself, there will be neither rest for the heart, nor peace for the mind." AW Pink

The reason that I've been discontent with my life lately is because I've been occupied with things (especially ones I don't have), rather than God Himself. If I truly focused on Him and was content in Him and all that He is and all that He's given for me and done for me, then I wouldn't have a hard time. But instead, I try to find fulfillment in things other than God, and it's just never going to be enough. The only true satisfaction comes from Him, not from my circumstances or my possessions.  Here are two more quotes that have been helpful to me other times when I've struggled with waiting on God and His timing. (I think that waiting and discontentment are often linked because many times what we're discontent about is something that we know will probably come in the future, and we are just sick of waiting for it. Impatience and discontentment are related deep at the root, I believe.)

"...the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able to honestly pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done." Elisabeth Elliot

 "Waiting on God isn't about the suspension of meaning and purpose. It's part of the meaning and purpose that God has brought into my life. Waiting on God isn't to be viewed as an obstruction in the way of the plan. Waiting is an essential part of the plan. For the child of God, waiting isn't simply about what I'll receive at the end of my wait. No, waiting is much more purposeful, efficient, and practical than that. Waiting is fundamentally about what I'll become as I wait. God is using the wait to do in and through me exactly what He's promised. Through the wait He's changing me. By means of the wait He's altering the fabric of my thoughts and desires. Through the wait He's causing me to see and experience new things about Him and His kingdom. And all of this sharpens me, enabling me to be a more useful tool in His redemptive hands." Paul Tripp

 I really need to trust Him, because He is worthy of my trust, and He is so much wiser than I am! I see over and over how trustworthy He is, but still I fail to trust Him. I cannot wait for the day that faith becomes sight, because faith is hard!!

The Wait is Over!

In my last post (here), I talked about how I was waiting for something could happen, and my hands were pretty much tied until I got the news. Well, soon after posting it, I got my answer! I didn't want to say anything until I knew one way or the other, and until most of my friends knew, but I am living off campus with the wonderful Brooks family this semester. I didn't know for sure until 4 o'clock of move-in day, and felt helpless, because I didn't know whether I should move my stuff (from break) at the Brooks' to the dorm, or everything else from my dorm to the Brooks'. It was not a super pleasant feeling, and I learned that I do not like not having control. But you know what? I'm thankful for my wait. I am thankful that God gave me an opportunity to totally lean on Him, and trust that He had a plan. Until 4 o'clock that day, I did not know where I'd be sleeping that night. But I did know that God is good, and that either way He was in control, and either way I'd at least have somewhere to sleep. It's not until you're forced to trust Him that you see how much you actually do trust Him. It's like I talked about learning in class with Abner Chou a few months ago (here). Trials come, not because God wants to know where our hearts are (because He already knows), but to show us where we are. You can either let yourself grow anxious, fearful, angry, etc. when trials come, or you can choose to fight those and trust in the all-knowing, all-powerful Creator of the universe. My advice is to place your trust in God, because it pleases Him, and only then will you find the peace and solace you need.

Waiting

Right now I am waiting for information that affects the rest of this semester. I can't do anything until I get the call/email. It's been a difficult wait. I'm struggling with patience - I know God already has a plan and that whatever the outcome is will a) glorify Him and b) be best for me. But the not knowing...it's tough. I am leaning on my faith and trust in my sovereign Creator. And that's not such a bad place to be, at all. Be anxious is not going to help. As my wise dad said to me yesterday, uncertainty should not cause worry. So I'm doing my best not to worry, and trying to focus on trusting God. He is so good. Even in this time of waiting, I am thankful because I know that in the end I will come out more refined than before. Earlier I remembered that last semester I kept seeing quotes about waiting, and because I could not stop thinking about the subject, I wrote a blog post about it (on my other blog). The funny thing is when I wrote it, I wasn't thinking about waiting for anything in particular; I was only thinking about the general concept. And now that I have this wait I'm kind of struggling through, I can look back and see what I had written. It's funny looking through my own blog and finding strength and comfort in the words I find there. But that's just one of the cool ways God works! Here are the two quotes I put in that post in case you don't read the actual post.

...the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able to honestly to pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done. - Elisabeth Elliot in Passion and Purity

Waiting on God isn't about the suspension of meaning and purpose. It's part of the meaning and purpose that God has brought into my life. Waiting on God isn't to be viewed as an obstruction in the way of the plan. Waiting is an essential part of the plan. For the child of God, waiting isn't simply about what I'll receive at the end of my wait. No, waiting is much more purposeful, efficient, and practical than that. Waiting is fundamentally about what I'll become as I wait. God is using the wait to do in and through me exactly what He's promised. Through the wait He's changing me. By means of the wait He's altering the fabric of my thoughts and desires. Through the wait He's causing me to see and experience new things about Him and His kingdom. And all of this sharpens me, enabling me to be a more useful tool in His redemptive hands. - Paul Tripp 

This song is currently on repeat:
"Behold our God
Seated on His throne
Come let us adore Him
Behold our King
Nothing can compare
Come let us adore Him"
-Behold Our God, Sovereign Grace Music

Sorry if any of this is mixed up or confusing, I'm trying to battle with my emotions at the moment.