Waiting (Again)

Okay, I'm going to be pretty honest here. I try to balance not airing all my dirty laundry with being honest about what I'm struggling through because I learn a lot through struggling. But this here is pretty personal. Lately, I've struggled massively with discontentment. I know that God has a plan for my life but I don't want to wait for His timing. I think (wrongly) that I really know better what I need than He does, and that I should get what I think I deserve when I want it. Trust me, I know what I truly deserve (hell) and I DON'T want that. But somehow I always think I deserve more than what I've been given and that God is unkind to withhold what I want from me. My journal is full of all that has been going through my mind lately, and it's not pretty - I am really struggling with being content. But I just allow myself to passively struggle rather than fight this sin.

But God is so good. He is so kind. He takes our struggles and helps us fight our sin. It's not something that we can't help. Yes, fighting sin is hard, but it is a battle and it is something we must be active about, not passive. I had a really good conversation with Courtney tonight and she shared a couple really good quotes with me and I was also reminded of one I found last summer. It's probably somewhere posted on my blog, but I think it is worth a rewrite, so here is one of the ones she shared and then the other is from my blog.

"One of God's most effective ways to grow our faith is to stretch it. We don't learn to trust God by reading a book or listening to a great sermon. We learn to trust God by living out a real-life adventure with God and discovering for ourselves that He is worthy." Glynnis Whitwer

"Faith endures the disappointment, the hardships, and the heartaches of life by recognizing that all comes from the hand of Him who is too wise to err and too loving to be unkind. So long as we are occupied with any other object than God Himself, there will be neither rest for the heart, nor peace for the mind." AW Pink

The reason that I've been discontent with my life lately is because I've been occupied with things (especially ones I don't have), rather than God Himself. If I truly focused on Him and was content in Him and all that He is and all that He's given for me and done for me, then I wouldn't have a hard time. But instead, I try to find fulfillment in things other than God, and it's just never going to be enough. The only true satisfaction comes from Him, not from my circumstances or my possessions.  Here are two more quotes that have been helpful to me other times when I've struggled with waiting on God and His timing. (I think that waiting and discontentment are often linked because many times what we're discontent about is something that we know will probably come in the future, and we are just sick of waiting for it. Impatience and discontentment are related deep at the root, I believe.)

"...the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able to honestly pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done." Elisabeth Elliot

 "Waiting on God isn't about the suspension of meaning and purpose. It's part of the meaning and purpose that God has brought into my life. Waiting on God isn't to be viewed as an obstruction in the way of the plan. Waiting is an essential part of the plan. For the child of God, waiting isn't simply about what I'll receive at the end of my wait. No, waiting is much more purposeful, efficient, and practical than that. Waiting is fundamentally about what I'll become as I wait. God is using the wait to do in and through me exactly what He's promised. Through the wait He's changing me. By means of the wait He's altering the fabric of my thoughts and desires. Through the wait He's causing me to see and experience new things about Him and His kingdom. And all of this sharpens me, enabling me to be a more useful tool in His redemptive hands." Paul Tripp

 I really need to trust Him, because He is worthy of my trust, and He is so much wiser than I am! I see over and over how trustworthy He is, but still I fail to trust Him. I cannot wait for the day that faith becomes sight, because faith is hard!!

Pain and Suffering

Those words composing the title of this post have been a theme in my blog this school year, mainly last semester. It's been a rough school year, but God has used my pain (remember: He doesn't waste pain) to teach me so much. Once again, I'm writing with a heavy heart. Over the weekend (which was great, otherwise) I received some awful news. Someone who was very special to my little sister was in a car accident and he didn't make it. I'd never met him, so this post isn't about me and my pain, but about her.

My heart aches for my little sister, whom I love so much and want to protect from anything even slightly painful. I've struggled a little bit, wishing I could shield her from heartache like this, but also knowing that God had ordained both the moment Clark was born and also the moment he would die and He doesn't make mistakes. I struggle to find the balance between wanting my sister to never feel any pain and knowing that pain is something God uses to draw us closer to Him and show us how much we need Him. Everyone needs to be reminded of those things, and pain is a tool He uses for that end. So I know He will use her pain to grow her, but I still hate the thought of her hurting. Especially because we currently like 3000 miles away from each other and I can't even give her a hug.

If you think of her, please be praying for her as she faces tough days ahead. Also, pray for the Noonan family, who are mourning the loss of their 20-year-old son and brother. Thanks friends.

Something to Think About

Question from college group yesterday: Are you conforming to the Christian life, or to Christ Himself? More to come later!