I found a quote on Pinterest that says, "What screws us up most in life is the picture in our heads of how it's supposed to be." Now I won't go into the fact that that is probably not what messes us up the most, but the rest of it is true.
Growing up with the mind of a typical girl, Disney, Taylor Swift, chick flicks, country music, fairy tales, etc. was fun. It was always interesting to think about the future and what it would be like to have a boyfriend or husband or to be in love. And of course, these things were always discussed with my girlfriends. We made lists of our ideal future husbands and talked about our ideas of what love and marriage were like. We believed that life would be perfect, or at least complete, if we finally had all of those things we had desired when we were younger.
Then, my junior year of high school, it happened - I got a boyfriend. Life was GOOD. I loved having him in my life. We had so much fun and I was very happy to be with someone I liked so much. All of the love songs I had heard, all of the cheesy stereotypes of what "love" should be like...I thought they had all come true for me and the bf. But eventually reality set in. Neither of us were perfect - in fact, we were both sinners who often looked out for our own personal interests rather than the interests of others, as Philippians 2:4 exhorts. There were conflicts to address and problems to work through. Why had Disney never told me that being in a relationship would come with heartache and disappointments too? Why had no one mentioned that other girls might be interested in my boyfriend? Why did The Notebook make arguing look romantic, rather than difficult and hurtful? Where were the stories about how intimidating it felt like to meet his friends or extended family? Why hadn't anyone said that you might still feel lonely at times, even when in a relationship? How are you supposed to know that months after a breakup you could still feel the loss? No one had ever warned me about these things! Yes, dating was great, and I don't want to sound like it wasn't. It was full of good times. But there were so many things that had been left out of it to give me and other girls a full picture of what it was like. Until my first relationship with a guy, I had no idea what it was really like.
Relationships aren't perfect because people aren't perfect. But so often girls are caught up in the trap of thinking, "If I just had a boyfriend, _________ would be easier" or "If I were in love, the pain of _________ would be so much less". Your problems will not end the moment you say "I do". As women, many of us have been thinking about our weddings since the age of five, mainly focusing on the man who would meet us at the end of the altar. We often just know that if we were married, we would be content/less lonely/happier/complete...the list goes on and on. I know I have thought like this before, and I know many other ladies who do/have. A problem with this is that our sin does not go away overnight. Discontentment, loneliness, etc, are often rooted in deeper things, such as not believing that God is enough. If you cannot find God to be enough before you're married, you won't be able to after, either. You must fight against your flesh and find your identity and sufficiency in Christ. The other problem with this is it's the same thing that happened in high school - I had idealized notions of what dating was like, and though there was truth in those notions, the harder things had been left out. Similarly, I can picture what marriage will be like all I want, but it probably won't be anything like that. Such is the danger of imagining things. We often set ourselves up for disappointment, hurt, and confusion.
One of the most dangerous things about this is not just idealizing the marriage, but idealizing the man. As I mentioned before, girls fantasize about what they want in a husband. Tall, dark, and handsome, strong, athletic, funny, gentleman, loves animals, loves kids, sensitive, makes a lot of money, hardworking, Christian, leader, writer, wise, charming, servant, good with technology, musician, wants to be (or is) a missionary/soldier/doctor/firefighter/whatever, avid reader, smart, kind, generous, humble...I think you get the picture. While many of these are good to look for, and some I personally consider non-negotiable, we have to remember to be realistic. No man exists who holds all of these qualities all the time. We also must keep the main thing, the main thing. Focus on his heart and who he is, rather than the externals. Meredith has told me countless times that she is so glad she married Jake, because he is such a kind and humble man. She warns against marrying, and even dating, men who are not characterized by these qualities, because they are crucial.
Don't get so wrapped up in your own idea of what you want in a man, that you miss the truly important things. Don't get so wrapped up in your idealistic views of marriage that you forget that there are struggles in marriage too. Talk to married people about what marriage is really like. Have realistic expectations. Learn contentment now. Learn to live life to the fullest, whatever your circumstances. Be grounded in God and His word. Ask Him to line your thoughts up with His. Find your identity and joy in Him. "Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness" (Matt 6:33).
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